Joe Garland, Part 3

We conclude our story.......

I took the subway to Queens, then a cab to Bushwick Park. It didn't take long to find the apartment building where Rudolph Sleigh lived. It was a run-down old building and it reminded me of my office.

I walked up and knocked on the door. An old grey-haired man answered.

"Are you Rudolph Sleigh?" I asked.

"Yes, I am."

"My name is Joe Garland, Private Investigator." I said, taking a small business card out of my pocket. "Do you have a minute?"

"Um, sure, um, come on in." He spoke reluctantly, but turned in let me in.

"I'll be direct and straight to the point." I said, sitting down on a chair in the living room. "Santa and his float are missing from the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, and I know that you were in the area around the time of the disappearance."

"Well, I was in the area earlier this morning, but I....."

I interrupted him. "I also know that you were planning something for today, and that your family wanted to put you in an old illusionists' home."

He had started to shake at this point, and he stood up and started yelling."Yes! I took Santa. I did it because nobody recognizes me anymore, and I just wanted to hear the cheers of the crowd one more time! I was going to put him back!"

"But how did you do it?"

"I did it by kidnapping Santa and hiding him in my old apartment down the street, then I took apart the float and hid the pieces all around the city. I  did it all last night," he said with an evil laugh.

I went to the window, and yelled out to a passerby to call the cops.

Several hours later, Rudolph Sleigh was being arraigned on kidnapping and theft charges, while Santa and his float rejoined the parade route.

I went to Clancy's Bar and Grille near Central Park where it occurred to me that illusionists like Sleigh never die, they just slowly disappear.

The End

Joe Garland, Part 2

....and now, our story continues......


I asked John about what he knew, then we went down to the spot where Santa and his float were supposed to be. By now, he had calmed down. He had started telling me the history of the parade, and the changes that had taken since he became the president.

While we were walking down 5th Avenue, and I was questioning different people, we bumped into Jimmy "The Grinch", a bookie, drug runner, and old adversary of mine.

"I see you're out again Jimmy, " I remarked.

"Oh, man, give me a break! I've gone straight, you know, turned over a new leaf, " he said.

"Well, Santa's missing, and I think you took him.", I said, looking him square in the face.

" I didn't take him, I tell you, I didn't." Jimmy protested. "But I did see Rudolph Sleigh hanging around the Santa float earlier. "

Rudolph Sleigh. A washed-up, bitter illusionist who hasn't been seen in public for years. Now, suddenly, he's back. How interesting.

I sent John back to his office and told him I'd get back to him in a while. I then went to my office, and had my secretary, Brandy Noel, check out Jimmy "The Grinch" because I still had my suspicions. But, as it turned out, Jimmy had turned over a new leaf, like he said. I guess I was wrong just this once.

"Brandy, I have one other person I want you to check out." I said, lighting up yet another cigarette. "A guy named Rudolph Sleigh."

"I'll get right on it, Joe." she said in that sweet voice of her.

Meanwhile I went around 5th Avenue again and investigated some more. Later I called my office.

"Brandy, this is Joe. Did you finish checking out Sleigh?"

"Yes, I did. It seems that his family wanted to send him to the old illusionists' home and he didn't want to go. Then he said that he had 'something up his sleeve' for today. "

"Where is he living now?" I asked.

"He lives in Queens, near Bushwick Park. I think you better get over there quick."

"Thanks Brandy, why don't you take the rest of the day off."

"Thanks Joe, I'll see you tomorrow." she said, hanging up the phone.

The original Joe Garland story cover

....up next, the exciting conclusion.....

Joe Garland Investigates: The Case of The Missing Santa, Part 1

And now...a little Christmas in August. Back in 1988, my senior year of high school, I took yet another in a series of writing classes.

 I was a fan of the Mike Hammer TV show; based on the character from Mikey Spillane's novels, Stacy Keach's Hammer was a hard-boiled NYC private detective. So, with that inspiration, I came up with my own PD--Joe Garland.

Recently, I was going through some boxes and came across the original story, and thought it would be fun to serialize it here exactly as I wrote it for class. Here's part 1.

Joe Garland Investigates: The Case of the Missing Santa

I was sitting in my office on a lonely Thanksgiving Day, drinking old scotch and smoking new cigarettes. My name is Joe Garland, Private Eye. I'm six foot six, just over 200 pounds, and when I'm on a case, nobody better get in my way because I'm trigger happy. 

My office in New York City is dusty and dirty, with old, used coffee cups thrown all over my desk. You might not be impressed with my office, but to me it's home.

Anyway, I was sitting in my office when this guy came running in, out-of-breath and practically in tears. "Are you Joe Garland?", he sniffed. 

"Yeah, I am."

"Good, because I want to hire you."

"Calm down buddy," I said, putting out my cigarette."What's your name?"

"M--My name is John Macy" By this time he was hysterical. "I'm president of Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and Santa is missing, float and all! The whole thing is gone!" 

"The parade is supposed to start in a few hours, " I said, looking at the clock on the wall. "What took you so long to come to me?"

"Does that matter now? Please, Mr. Garland, will you take the case?", Macy screamed. 

"Alright. I'll take the case."

......Stay tuned for part 2

Planetary Nebulae: What Are They?

“Space-the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Our mission: to boldly go where no-one has gone before.” –Captain Jean-Luc Picard

In its own way, this has been the mission statement of human kind since the beginning.  At first, “space” was the far bank of the river, then the other side of the mountain, then the ocean…..eventually the heavens.

There are many things out there in space, one of which is a phenomenon called a planetary nebula (nebulae for plural).

What Is This Thing?

Planetary nebulae are what forms when a star no more than four times the size of the Sun comes to the end of its life-cycle. The star’s internal gravity becomes so intense that the star explodes, blowing the outer layers into space, which are then lit up by the heat of the star’s core. Due to that intense heat, these nebulae do not last long at all, perhaps only about 50,000 years.  Scientists believe that our sun may grow and go through this process in about 5 million years.

It is predicted that there are approximately 10,000 planetary nebulae now in the Milky Way, and 2,000 have been discovered. However, only four have been officially catalogued: the Dumbbell, Ring, Little Dumbbell, and Owl Nebulae. The last of these-the Owl Nebula-was discovered in 1751.

Despite its name, planetary nebulae have nothing to do with planets. The name was coined in the 1780’s by William Hershel, because it reminded him of the rings of Uranus.

What Does It Look Like?

Planetary nebulae are fairly small-only about 1 light year in diameter, although there is a range of sizes as the nebula ages. NGC 3918, for instance, is only 3/10 light year in diameter, while the Helix Nebula is over 2.5 light years. NGC 3918 is calculated to be only 3,000 years old, so it is still fairly young.

Nebulae are quite hot (as expected, being a former star). The temperature range is 8,000 to 23,000 K, with an average of around 10,000 K.

It is also thought that planetary nebulae only last about 50,000 years. Since most expand at 20-30 km/s, after that time the density of particles are too spread out to be seen.

The Vorontsov-Velyaminov Scheme

In 1934, Russian astrophysicist Boris Vorontsov-Velyaminov came up with this way of categorizing planetary nebulae based on their morphology. There are six styles:

1.  Stellar image (I).
2. Smooth disk (II) (a, brighter toward center; b, uniform brightness; c, traces of a ring structure).
3. Irregular disk (III) (a, very irregular brightness distribution; b, traces of ring structure).
4. Ring structure (IV).
5. Irregular form, similar to a diffuse nebula (V).
6. Anomalous form (VI).

There also can be combinations. For instance, there can be two rings (a “4 + 4”).

With all these kinds of nebula, who knows what else is out there. Will astronomers and their colleagues in space science ever find a planetary nebula that actually has a planet? Probably not, but it is fun to think about. As Captain Picard says, “Make it so.”

Suggestions for O'Reilly

Not long ago, my friends and I were discussing the Nat Geo film "Killing Jesus,"  based on the Bill O'Reilly/Martin Dugard book of the same name.

Killing Jesus is the third of four books in the "Killing" series, which takes a historical look at notable people and their deaths. Other  subjects in the series have been President Lincoln, President Kennedy, and General George Patton.

After innocently stating, "I wonder who he'll kill next," we came up with some suggestions, starting with the most obvious:

Killing Bin Laden  The mastermind behind the 9/11 attacks was killed by Seal Team Six on May 2, 2011, during Operation Neptune Spear. There have been several books written on this subject, but it would be interesting to see what the O'Reilly/Dugard team could do with it, with the historical perspective.


Killing Caesar: Famously saying, "Et tu, Brutus?" at the moment of his death, Julius Caesar was a statesman, general, and ruler who turned the Roman Republic into the Roman Empire. He was assassinated on March 15, 44 BCE, which is why we have to "Beware the Ides of March."


Killing ML K:  Martin Luther King, the Baptist minister and Civil Rights activist who gave the "I Have A Dream" speech,  was killed on April 4, 1968 in Memphis, Tennessee by James Earl Ray. Since the 1960's were such an active time, we suggest a special "Killing '60's " series which would also include Killing RFK, Killing Oswald, and  Killing Marilyn.


Killing Garfield: The second of three US presidents to be assassinated, James Garfield was also one of the shortest serving presidents, having been killed on Sept. 19, 1881, a mere 7 months after being elected. Charles J Guiteau shot him on July 2, 1881, but the mortal wound took months to kill him.

Killing Hoffa:  Former Teamsters boss Jimmy Hoffa is thought to have been murdered, but since no body has ever been found, he  is considered missing but presumed dead. His body was long thought to have been buried in the old Giant's Stadium in New Jersey, a claim The Mythbusters investigated on their show. 

Weather vs. Climate

When you wake up in the morning, perhaps one of the first things you do is  turn on the radio or TV and check the weather report. “It’s going to be cold and blustery today,” the weatherman says. “You better take  your heavy coat.”

But why is there no climate report?

It turns out there is a great difference between weather and climate, although they are related. The difference is time. Weather is measured in short periods of time. It is happening now, tomorrow, this week. Climate is measured in long periods of time. Most climatologists (scientists who study the climate) look at weather data for an area for 30 years before they have a good sense of the area’s climate. In other words, climate is the big picture, and weather is all the little details.

CLIMATE

Officially, climate is defined as "the composite or generally prevailing weather conditions of a region, as temperature, air pressure, humidity, precipitation, sunshine, cloudiness, and winds, throughout the year, averaged over a series of years".  Climatologists record and study the weather every day over a period of 30 years or more to determine the climate of a region. 

Let’s take New England for example. Today, the climate in this part of the country, simply put, is cold and snowy in the winter, warming and rain in the spring, hot in the summer, cooling in the fall.  In colonial times, this climate actually helped the colonists because it stopped the spread of disease, although it did make it difficult to have crops planted year round and did cause much death in the winter.

Many researchers believe that the climate is changing for the worse because of human activity. This has not been proven though. It could just be a natural cycle of the Earth.

WEATHER

On the other hand, weather is “the state of the atmosphere at a given time and place, with respect to variables such as temperature, moisture, wind velocity, and barometric pressure”.  The important part here is “a given time and place”. It is what is happening here and now.

Staying with our New England example, while the climate is the same in all parts of the region, the weather differs from one part to another. This is why all local TV stations have their own weather reports. For instance in Skowhegan, Maine it may be sunny with a high of 28 degrees and winds at 13 mph, but in Hartford, Connecticut it’s partly cloudy and a high of 36 (almost 10 degrees warmer) on the same day.

While climate is a long term view, weather is immediate. So when the weather forecast is given, you should pay attention. 

My Favorite Restaurants In Fiction

Everyone has their favorite restaurants—it might be Friendly’s, Olive Garden, or some little-known hole-in-the-wall. Just as real people have their favorites, characters from TV, movies, music, and books also have their own preferred eateries. Here are some of the most notable.

When discussing this topic, one has to start with The Restaurant At The End of the Universe (The Restaurant At The End Of The Universe).  As the title and location of the second Hitchhikers's Guide To The Galaxy book, this restaurant is literally located at the end of the universe—which is very far away indeed. Here, the food is still alive when you order it. In fact, the food actually makes a sales pitch as to why you should choose it for your meal. The Restaurant also features great music and drink.

Sticking with the space theme for a moment, there is Quark’s Bar and Grill (Star Trek: Deep Space Nine). Owned and operated by the Ferengi Quark and his brother Rom, and located on the Space Station Deep Space Nine, this is a full service establishment with food, drink, a gambling hall, and a set of holosuites—rooms equipped to fulfill any fantasy or desire through the use of holograms. Also, if you are of a mind, Quark can help you get a hold of…well, not so legal items.

Coming back to Earth, in Milwaukee, WI we find Arnold’s (Happy Days), a nice little place with a jukebox and dance floor. Over the course of time, this eatery was owned and operated by two different Arnolds with greatly different backgrounds. You will also find cool guy Fonzie in his office, which was really the men’s room, and if you go on the right night, you may find Potsie, Rich, and the band doing a little number.

Heading off to New York—Manhattan, specifically—there is Central Perk (Friends). This little coffee house, downstairs from Chandler, Joey, Rachel, and Monica’s apartments, and where Phoebe plays guitar, is a place where you can just sit and hang with friends and have a cup o’ Joe and a muffin. With Gunther at the counter and Rachel as your waitress, you just can’t go wrong there. 

While in Manhattan, you could also visit Monk's Diner (Seinfeld.) A favorite hangout for Jerry and the gang, many of their adventures start and end here. 

Another diner can be found in the small town of Star's Hollow, CT. Owned and operated by Luke Danes at the location of his father's old hardware store, Luke's Diner (Gilmore Girls) is one of the town's favorite joints--along with the never seen but much maligned Al's Pancake World. 

If you find yourself in WWII Africa, you can head over to Rick’s Café American (Casablanca). Owned by Rick Blaine, an American expatriate, there is food, drink, gambling, and dancing. Sam plays the piano, usually a song Rick needs to hear after reuniting with his lost love. “You know the one”, he will say.

Before we end this tour of my favorite restaurants in fiction, there are three notable honorable mentions. They are fictionalized versions of real places, but  are deeply woven into modern pop culture.

First, Alice’s Restaurant (Arlo Guthrie), where we are told “you can get anything you want--'cepting Alice.”   This 18 ½ minute song is based on a place in Stockbridge, MA called the Back Room Rest, owned by Alice M Brock and her husband Ray Brock. The Thanksgiving dinners Guthrie writes about actually took place in the Brock’s home, a former church.

Second, Cheers (Cheers). While not technically a restaurant, but a bar, it was a great watering hole based on Boston’s Bull and Fitch Pub (which has formally changed its name to Cheers). This is where “everybody knows your name”. Sam and Coach—later Woody—tended bar and Carla was your server.

Finally, there is the Cheesecake Factory (The Big Bang Theory). This is where Penny worked, and became a favorite spot for Raj, Wolowitz, Sheldon, and Leonard.

As you can see, just as us real people have our favorite places to eat, fictional characters have their own----even in space.