Dude With Thoughts: The Book

Well, I always had it in mind. And now, it's happened. This blog is now a book.

Chock full of updated and expanded essays taken from this blog and other sources, this 120 page book  also includes full color pictures and a list of selected websites.

Published on the CreateSpace platform, it is printed on demand and is also available on Kindle.

So, if you still believe in the power of an old fashioned book, pick up Dude With Thoughts: The Book! Available now for $17.00 for the book and Kindle for $3.00.

Joe Garland, Part 3

We conclude our story.......

I took the subway to Queens, then a cab to Bushwick Park. It didn't take long to find the apartment building where Rudolph Sleigh lived. It was a run-down old building and it reminded me of my office.

I walked up and knocked on the door. An old grey-haired man answered.

"Are you Rudolph Sleigh?" I asked.

"Yes, I am."

"My name is Joe Garland, Private Investigator." I said, taking a small business card out of my pocket. "Do you have a minute?"

"Um, sure, um, come on in." He spoke reluctantly, but turned in let me in.

"I'll be direct and straight to the point." I said, sitting down on a chair in the living room. "Santa and his float are missing from the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, and I know that you were in the area around the time of the disappearance."

"Well, I was in the area earlier this morning, but I....."

I interrupted him. "I also know that you were planning something for today, and that your family wanted to put you in an old illusionists' home."

He had started to shake at this point, and he stood up and started yelling."Yes! I took Santa. I did it because nobody recognizes me anymore, and I just wanted to hear the cheers of the crowd one more time! I was going to put him back!"

"But how did you do it?"

"I did it by kidnapping Santa and hiding him in my old apartment down the street, then I took apart the float and hid the pieces all around the city. I  did it all last night," he said with an evil laugh.

I went to the window, and yelled out to a passerby to call the cops.

Several hours later, Rudolph Sleigh was being arraigned on kidnapping and theft charges, while Santa and his float rejoined the parade route.

I went to Clancy's Bar and Grille near Central Park where it occurred to me that illusionists like Sleigh never die, they just slowly disappear.

The End

Joe Garland, Part 2

....and now, our story continues......


I asked John about what he knew, then we went down to the spot where Santa and his float were supposed to be. By now, he had calmed down. He had started telling me the history of the parade, and the changes that had taken since he became the president.

While we were walking down 5th Avenue, and I was questioning different people, we bumped into Jimmy "The Grinch", a bookie, drug runner, and old adversary of mine.

"I see you're out again Jimmy, " I remarked.

"Oh, man, give me a break! I've gone straight, you know, turned over a new leaf, " he said.

"Well, Santa's missing, and I think you took him.", I said, looking him square in the face.

" I didn't take him, I tell you, I didn't." Jimmy protested. "But I did see Rudolph Sleigh hanging around the Santa float earlier. "

Rudolph Sleigh. A washed-up, bitter illusionist who hasn't been seen in public for years. Now, suddenly, he's back. How interesting.

I sent John back to his office and told him I'd get back to him in a while. I then went to my office, and had my secretary, Brandy Noel, check out Jimmy "The Grinch" because I still had my suspicions. But, as it turned out, Jimmy had turned over a new leaf, like he said. I guess I was wrong just this once.

"Brandy, I have one other person I want you to check out." I said, lighting up yet another cigarette. "A guy named Rudolph Sleigh."

"I'll get right on it, Joe." she said in that sweet voice of her.

Meanwhile I went around 5th Avenue again and investigated some more. Later I called my office.

"Brandy, this is Joe. Did you finish checking out Sleigh?"

"Yes, I did. It seems that his family wanted to send him to the old illusionists' home and he didn't want to go. Then he said that he had 'something up his sleeve' for today. "

"Where is he living now?" I asked.

"He lives in Queens, near Bushwick Park. I think you better get over there quick."

"Thanks Brandy, why don't you take the rest of the day off."

"Thanks Joe, I'll see you tomorrow." she said, hanging up the phone.

The original Joe Garland story cover

....up next, the exciting conclusion.....

Joe Garland Investigates: The Case of The Missing Santa, Part 1

And now...a little Christmas in August. Back in 1988, my senior year of high school, I took yet another in a series of writing classes.

 I was a fan of the Mike Hammer TV show; based on the character from Mikey Spillane's novels, Stacy Keach's Hammer was a hard-boiled NYC private detective. So, with that inspiration, I came up with my own PD--Joe Garland.

Recently, I was going through some boxes and came across the original story, and thought it would be fun to serialize it here exactly as I wrote it for class. Here's part 1.

Joe Garland Investigates: The Case of the Missing Santa

I was sitting in my office on a lonely Thanksgiving Day, drinking old scotch and smoking new cigarettes. My name is Joe Garland, Private Eye. I'm six foot six, just over 200 pounds, and when I'm on a case, nobody better get in my way because I'm trigger happy. 

My office in New York City is dusty and dirty, with old, used coffee cups thrown all over my desk. You might not be impressed with my office, but to me it's home.

Anyway, I was sitting in my office when this guy came running in, out-of-breath and practically in tears. "Are you Joe Garland?", he sniffed. 

"Yeah, I am."

"Good, because I want to hire you."

"Calm down buddy," I said, putting out my cigarette."What's your name?"

"M--My name is John Macy" By this time he was hysterical. "I'm president of Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and Santa is missing, float and all! The whole thing is gone!" 

"The parade is supposed to start in a few hours, " I said, looking at the clock on the wall. "What took you so long to come to me?"

"Does that matter now? Please, Mr. Garland, will you take the case?", Macy screamed. 

"Alright. I'll take the case."

......Stay tuned for part 2

It's Valentine's Day Again

They say the first rule of journalism is "Don't bury the lede". OK. Here's mine: I hate Valentine's Day. I feel it is stupid, insipid, ridiculous, repetitive, and, basically, there is no point to its existence.

Now, I know that this holiday is meant to show how much all the important people in your life mean to you, and maybe that's how it started, but "modern" Valentine's Day is just annoying to me.

Please let me explain.

First, as a single person, there is nothing in it for my kind. Just look at a typical Valentine's Day commercial--particularly jewelry store ads. Who are in these ads? Either married couples who may or may not have children, or a dating couple who is engaged by the end of the spot. Don't get me wrong, it's great that they found each other, and I hope they have a long, happy life together, but it doesn't do me any good.

Second, my couple-y friends, aren't you being a little greedy? After all, you already have each other's birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas (Hanukkah, etc.), maybe Mother's or Father's Day....enough already. It may be cliche, but shouldn't "every day be a little bit Valentine's Day"? What do you need yet another day for?

Which brings me to my real point (fine, I buried the lede a little). I propose a Single Person's Day*. After all, we work just as hard as you do. We want to be celebrated just as much as you do. I mean, do we not cry when we hurt? Do we not bleed when we are cut? We are not monsters!

Sorry, I got a little carried away there but you get the point.

Single Person's Day would be just that.  An anti-Valentine's Day, if you will. A day to remember the single people in your life.

Other than that, I have no real opinion on the matter.

* For the purposes of this holiday, "Single" shall be defined as a person who is currently without ANY AND ALL of the following: boyfriend, girlfriend, fiancee, husband, wife, partner, significant other, children, or anything else that could go here. Single parents are also excluded as they still get Mother's/Father's Day.